yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
