I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm passing your future prison.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
