I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
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