this beer tastes like vomit already
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
