The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
