fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
