we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
