Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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