Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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