I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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