the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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