3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That's intense
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Still dying that you shit outside
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
