we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
