I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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