Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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