Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
