we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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