I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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