That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
