If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I lost the right to judge tonight
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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