I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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