I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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