Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
