I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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