we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
