Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
