ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
