so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
