Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
