I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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