She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
