Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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