Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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