Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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