I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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