she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
