just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
