the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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