i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Text me some of your sweat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
