I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
