new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
