she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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