just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
