I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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