So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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