Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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