All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
