How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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