i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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