saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
