The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
