This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
