First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
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You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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