I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
