"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
