you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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