I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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