just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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