I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
