Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just googled if crying burns calories
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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